Hope for courage to hope

More than a month ago, I started to recover from depression. It takes time. But it's speedy enough because the doctor did find out what the biggest blockage was. As I said, I started to feel joy coming back to my life. Soon, I start to enjoy both meeting people and being alone, again. I start to pick up books again, and feel the excitement in every pages. I start to watch movies alone again, and let them blow my mind. I enjoy exploring new eating places again. I enjoy the long walks, or walks as short as crossing the road to work and don't wish that I die in an accident anymore.

I have to say despite being occupied with happenings, my mind is clear and my heart is at peace.

But not for very long. Because I think I fell in love.

All my friends asked me to chill. That I need to hold back and wait for him to make the move. And when he does, I need to know if he's only doing it because I am the most conveniently reached person at the moment or he really looks forward to hanging out with me. So I need to continue to hold on till he takes more steps towards me for I already taken enough steps towards him.

Yee Ling said this is the most beautiful and exciting phase. There are butterflies in stomach during the waitings, over-the-moon happiness when he asks me out, tonnes of head-cracking analysis done which are clearly unnecessary but just cannot help myself, nights spent staying up waiting for his message and eventually fell asleep with the lights still on..

I am still recovering from depression and I need the peaceful kind of joy. If I have a choice I really don't want all these dramas but a carefree me. I want to be able to do whatever I wish to without having him at the back of my mind all the time.

Today I watched four films picked by European Union Film Festival. Heavy stuff, I'd say. I wish I can spend the night reflecting on the films I've spent the entire day watching. But I can't. Even after these enlightening films, he is still whom I think of when I came out of the cinema. It's as if I didn't watch the films to enrich myself, but to run away from thinking about him. A failed attempt, too.

I want to stop playing this game. I want to give up :(

Look up.

Almighty God, thank you for being gracious and merciful to me. Guide me, O holy One, let my deeds reflect who You are. Let not my faith to You be dependent on circumstances in my life, but to believe in Your power at all times. Help me to focus on You and Your kingdom, and not distracted by worldly desire and judgement from man. Fill me with love, so that I may love others as unconditionally as how You've loved me. Grant me self control and discipline to avoid the things that will snatch my attention away from You. Hold me close, O Lord, for I belong to You.

I can't believe it, even the thought of making a cup of coffee for myself in a rainy night makes me happy. This little peaceful kind of joy has indeed left me for too long, now that it's back in me, I am about to burst!

This, is Cher Linn :)

Since I made up my mind to give up a ministry and decided to slowly put a little more effort in debating activities, I have to admit I do feel a lot better now. I felt relieved, and I miss this feeling. It's been so long I haven't felt like this that I almost forgot how it's like. Someone told me if we keep ignoring God's call, we will feel very miserable and not peaceful. I told her I know how it is like. I still need to pray for direction. And CWR daily devotion booklet is a really helpful material for quiet time :)

I talked to a number of friends, took effort to meet up (with old and new friends) and open up. Clearly I can't deny that I need the right people in my life. Not perfect individuals, but the right ones. With the right people, they always make the time spent together more enjoyable. And they are the ones who have been with me when I poured out to them.

Taking one step at a time, day by day. Life is getting exciting, again :)

After almost a year (or maybe less than that, but definitly more than 6 months) of self-suspected depression, today I looked up some self-evaluation depression scales and did the tests. In Zung's depression scale, depressed individuals usually score between 50-60. I scored 51. In Beck's depression inventory, I was rated as Moderately Depressed. And another depression scale, I scored moderately depressed, too.

I have been trying to shove aside the idea of me having depression because I don't think it's that "easy" to be depressed. And I always give excuses of my sadness and emptiness. Until one day, I came to realisation that I have been feeling sad like this for quite a while already, then I figured something must have gone wrong.

I keep telling myself it's going to be over soon, and it's only a temporary phase, and I will snap out of it soon. But I guess being in a denial state will only worsen my situation. I read through my previous blog posts and I notice it's either I have lost the interest in blogging (which I used to enjoy) or I have been complaining how I am not as happy as before.

What keep me afloat are the occasional outings with friends that keep me company and cheered. But even that, no all people can cheer me up. That's why sometimes I'd rather keep myself busy with washing cups duty (even though I am not on duty) after refreshment in chuch than to engage in small talks with anyone. I should have seen this social impairment signal flagged long ago.

I am not sure if it's because I chose to let go of debate since last year.  I know that I miss debate, and every little things or moments that reminds me of debate aches me. I hope it's not too late to go back to where I come from. I miss good argumens and getting updated with issues bigger than my own. Now I don't have the incentive to get them.

I feel tired easily and have lost passion in reading. Sometimes I cry a little. Quite often I wish I die in a car crash while I cross that road on the way to work in hospital. Die on the spot. Just a little pain, quick death. Even then, I wonder who will know that I am gone.

An Infectious Disease

Many people think that working in private healthcare industry means we're better paid and the money comes from customers who are willing to pay for better services, as compared to government hospitals. Very often, even the staff themselves think that horrible customers with ridiculous demands are whom they have to put up to for a (better) living.

Wrong.

It depends on your position and years of service to really have apple-to-apple comparison of the salary. Grossly to me, somehow I think goverment gives more attractive pay than certain healthcare companies I came across. Secondly, I've heard stories about superb services by government hospitals that deserve to be credited for.

That aside, what worries and angers me more is the fact that the society thinks "excellent services" includes putting up with irrespectful behaviour from the patients. Even if one is sick and has mood swings, he STILL needs to apologise after realising that he has acted in such unacceptable way. The thought that you're paying high price for treatment in hospital doesn't mean you buy our dignity, too. Our conscience never allows us to spit in your food or cause unnecessary harm to you when you're weak and vulnerable. In other words, there is no way we are going to revenge even if we wanted to.

Some still think that no matter what, customers are still always right and we depend on them to put food on our tables. With hospitals springing up like mushroom after rain in recent years, bosses will feel the competition and customers will like the options available and more convenient to them. I always applaud effort to improve services, but not to the extent of feeding the notion that money is everything - when you're sick and feel that you've lost dignity in living, "at least" you still have healthcare provider to step on. THAT is the real sickness one is having. You need to get well, pay to those who can heal you the fastest, and get back on life. You don't need ego, don't pay to those who bring out the worst of you.

Being a phlebotomist under training for almost 2 months now, I do come across some interesting patients, and I do learn to extend my services such as looking for blanket or prepare hot milo for patients when they say they're cold, give them direction when they're lost in the building, get them on a wheelchair and help them to lie down on a bed should they feel dizzy, and went to check on them later, give them words of comfort if they're afraid of needles. I'm doing this not because I am paid to. I'm serving you because you're sick and need comfort, and resources are available for me to do so. And I will be doing the same to whoever that doesn't pay me, too. My current employer does pay me well. But nothing will stop me from leaving if I don't like what I am doing - exactly the case when I left my previous employer. 

But what is taking a toll on me is the kind of complaints I heard that was filed against my colleagues. The society and industry makes us think that if we want to work in this industry we have to take it all in, and this is what we will get if we can afford to pay for treatment in private hospital. No. Never. Regardless of the kind of services, be it hospitalisation or waiting table or banking services, you can never pay enough to buy one's respect and dignity. We are patient to your rude behaviour because we want to, not we have to, but it has a limit. Many times colleagues and I just shake our heads and sigh when we hear another nonsensical complaint filed.

What is the society becoming?

Left, not lost.

There was a dinner with debaters last Thursday, a farewell dinner for Jun Hoe before he flies off on 31st July. Then the following Saturday, there's a wedding dinner. It's only during occasion like this that people meet up. They call it the SiYau wedding, for SI Qin and Hon YAU :) I attended their church in Wangsa Maju before I move to Subang. Hence I got to meet up with church friends whom I have not met since almost 2 years ago. It was awesome. And my heart filled with much happiness when SiYau walked into the hall together. I was glad to be there. These two events reminded me of my good old times with friends like them. They reminded me of the time when I was happy and cheerful. And I hold the debatng family dearly in my heart. Deborah asked me how I was."How are you? Still as happy ya?" I smiled. I pondered on the word "still". I've forgotten that I was always happy before I move to Subang. Well, there were much ups and downs when I'm in Subang, too. But it did make me asked, again: Where is Cher Linn? Who is this girl behind the smile now?

Dinner plan

I guess my appetite has really shrunk since I finished fasting for Easter. Or the work has been so exhausting that all the cells in my body are too weak to long for anything at all. It's not uncommon for me to come home from work at 6pm and still not have my dinner till 9pm. It's partly due to my indecisiveness about what to have for dinner, too. To make it worse, there was an afternoon tea session today at the pantry and I had some fried bananas. Afternoon tea will only make things worse. I must remember it. Or maybe I should be grateful. I've almost forgotten how desire for food or hunger is like. In fact, we really don't need to eat that much anyway. I don't like to have a list to tell me what to eat or do for what day. But if this is going out of control, I may need to do that list. Suggestion for dinner, anyone?

Penguin Night Light

I have a housemate who always reminds me to switch off the main light in my room room before I go to bed. I am a person who cannot sleep in the dark room alone. So staying in a single room now, I need to sleep with at least a tiny night light. Sometimes, I fall asleep with the main lights still switched on, too. There is a penguin night light I've been using for a long time. There was once he saw it, and laughed at me. He thinks it is adorable. He asked if he could keep it. I want him to keep it. He is moving out soon, back to his home country, Saudi Arabia. I will miss the nights he knocked on my door just to wake me up and nag at me, then asked me to switch off my room light whenever I fall asleep with the lights on. I will miss him dearly.

For too many times

Kevin looked at some of my pictures in my iPad, and he said I looked happy in the pictures. I said, of course, because I was with my favourite people in the picture, that was why I was happy. He said, no, some people would smile at the camera for picture sake. But I truly looked happy in the two pictures - one with Szuchen, another one with Hamoodi.

I realise what makes me happy - good relationship with the people around me. I told Hamoodi I was disturbed at the thought that some of my senior colleagues may not like me. He said, well, you can't expect everyone to like you. It's the reality that some people will like you, some won't. I said, but that's not what I meant. I don't expect myself to be everyone's favourite person. I just don't want anyone to dislike me, or have a sour relationship with anyone.

It aches me most when friendship could be given up easily, as if it doesn't mean anything to the friend, after what silly things we've done together, fights and argument we have gone through together. Many marvelled at our friendship, surprised to hear that it actually blossom at all. I've prayed hard for protection against Satan's attack on this friendship. I've cried my heart out for us, despite knowing that it will be fruitless and come to an end soon.

But being taken granted for too many times may just exhaust me out, eventually. Maybe what I need the most is to have the courage to walk away, to still be able to smile happily even when you're not in the picture.