I've been quite independent for the last 3.5 years, at least. I did many things for the first time, by myself. Such as moving to Subang (get a new job, find a place to stay, hire a truck to move my things over, explore my new turf), getting to know new people and surviving heartbreaks, being hospitalised, going through the entire driving lesson and passing it, then buying a car and driving around, finally applying for a credit card, picking up a new language. In short, watching my own back. The word "own" spells loneliness at times, something I barely have time for when I was living in KL, the big city I love, because I was busy enjoying the prime of my life.
Recently, life here in Subang changed for the better. I grew closer to a number of people from the church. There are a number of us starting to make a point to have lunch together after every service on Sunday. We will share about our day from time to time. I revealed to them thoughts I usually keep to myself. I actually asked for favour from them. In the past the only favour I could remember asking was for a ride to and from church events. I am beginning to ask to be kept in their prayers for certain items I'd normally keep to myself.
I'm slowly giving myself to them, allowing myself to embrace the care they show for me. It feels surreal when some would call me up to check if I've returned home safely. Some would remember my follow-up dates with the doctor, and keep me in their own daily prayers without me asking them to. Kat offered to accompany me for follow-up as my doctor discuss the biopsy result and treatment plan with me. Luke asked if I wanted to talk about it when I (have the courage to) told him I was feeling a little blue for no apparent reason, and brought me for ice-cream because of that, even though it had passed his bedtime, then asked if I felt alright afterwards. Some spent time with me to listen to me talk about *ahem* boys. Ken offered to send me home after I got discharged from hospital. Vina cooked porridge enough to feed me for 3 meals so I still get healthy meals while I'm adapting to a change in diet. Some offer to give me a lift even though I do have a car to drive around now.
I find myself loving this closeness, despite the fact I've also grown to love privacy and idea of own space. I am slowly getting use to their love, and to be loved. It's something I used to know, but I have forgotten how this is like, until I experience it again. The idea of having someone along the journey. The idea that not only God is with me always, but He also sends His angels to reinforce the point. I am capable of going places by myself. But I really don't have to insist doing everything by myself.
The scary thought is, what if one day I find myself back in square one, where I need to repeat all I managed independently? Will I be able to pick myself up and brave through the storm, alone, again? Will I miss this so badly that it hinders me from enjoying my adventure ahead? Will I still be able to have joy at times when I am alone? I know I still love spending time with myself, such as catching a sunrise while everyone's asleep, reading a book at an isolated spot, and movie date myself. But perhaps not so much to watch out for myself. It's nice to know that someone cares whether I've reached home safely. It's nice to know someone cares.
I guess for now, I'll dive in to their love, embrace it, and not be afraid to love them back even more. It's not just for what they've done for me, but also for who they are. I caught myself missing them sometimes, when we're not together. But at the same time, remember that all this is only temporary, too. Only God is consistently, fully reliable. His promises, and His unconditional love will always be enough for me. And be prepared to lose all this at His will, knowing He'll still be with me when I have to go back to square one.
