Wednesday, June 25, 2014

What do I do with all I need to say?

It is true that people may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel. Caitlin & Will - Address In The Stars

A dear aunty from church has gone home to be with the Lord on Sunday. It was not something that never crossed my mind, to be honest. In fact, it was what I feared and thought about a lot the moment I saw her first tumour marker result with my own eyes, about a year ago. I tried to be strong and optimistic and I told her it's going to be OK. We all have heard of miracles and people who battled with cancer and won. But she told me calmly that she knew what was going on and it was not really OK. And I silently cried when I heard an experienced surgeon in my hospital decided he was unable to remove any tumour from her because it's spread expansively.

But she fought on, and she fought bravely. She cut her hair way before she's going to lose them to chemotherapy. Her faith in the Lord never waver. In and out of hospital, cycles after cycles of chemotherapy. When she was about to win over cancer, when I was excited to see miracles with my own eyes, the disease relapsed, and it got much worse. It's amazing that she still never question the Lord why this happened to her, when she was only starting to enjoy being a grandmother. After losing her husband to cancer 20 years ago, she raised up her four children single-handedly. All has grown up to be God-fearing, faithful children of God.

She's a great counsellor. In fact, she was a certified one. She listened with her heart and advised with compassion and love. She passed no judgement, and she made time for troubled souls. She had great strength and faith. She lived life passionately and loves adventures. She was warm and joyful and witty and smart and humble and kind. She was inspiring and wise and caring. I didn't know her very long. But throughout the time I had with her, she was like a mother to me. It ached me deeply to see her going through all these. But I was comforted to see that she remained strong spiritually, and she never lose herself despite facing a life-challenging condition.

That day I went to visit her in the hospital. I bought a bouquet of African daisy with me. African daisy always has strong, bright colours. I think they are reserved for fighters like her. If life is a battle, she fought it beautifully. That's the first time I know the name for the flower. It will always reminds me of her.

I guess a proper closure does help to move on. I managed to see her in person about a month ago. It was a very short meeting, and an impromptu one, too. But during that visit, I have her all to myself, and listened to her talk, and she never stop smiling. I guess you know when you're with an angel. I took some time to grief about her passing, and as the church grief together, it gives me healing, too, albeit slowly.

Lord, I miss her. I can't for the day to come to meet her again.