Hope for courage to hope

More than a month ago, I started to recover from depression. It takes time. But it's speedy enough because the doctor did find out what the biggest blockage was. As I said, I started to feel joy coming back to my life. Soon, I start to enjoy both meeting people and being alone, again. I start to pick up books again, and feel the excitement in every pages. I start to watch movies alone again, and let them blow my mind. I enjoy exploring new eating places again. I enjoy the long walks, or walks as short as crossing the road to work and don't wish that I die in an accident anymore.

I have to say despite being occupied with happenings, my mind is clear and my heart is at peace.

But not for very long. Because I think I fell in love.

All my friends asked me to chill. That I need to hold back and wait for him to make the move. And when he does, I need to know if he's only doing it because I am the most conveniently reached person at the moment or he really looks forward to hanging out with me. So I need to continue to hold on till he takes more steps towards me for I already taken enough steps towards him.

Yee Ling said this is the most beautiful and exciting phase. There are butterflies in stomach during the waitings, over-the-moon happiness when he asks me out, tonnes of head-cracking analysis done which are clearly unnecessary but just cannot help myself, nights spent staying up waiting for his message and eventually fell asleep with the lights still on..

I am still recovering from depression and I need the peaceful kind of joy. If I have a choice I really don't want all these dramas but a carefree me. I want to be able to do whatever I wish to without having him at the back of my mind all the time.

Today I watched four films picked by European Union Film Festival. Heavy stuff, I'd say. I wish I can spend the night reflecting on the films I've spent the entire day watching. But I can't. Even after these enlightening films, he is still whom I think of when I came out of the cinema. It's as if I didn't watch the films to enrich myself, but to run away from thinking about him. A failed attempt, too.

I want to stop playing this game. I want to give up :(