Lost Soul

I just came back from a debate tournament over the weekend. The decision to join them was made on Friday night right before I headed to bed. On Saturday morning, I dressed up to work as usual, brought an extra pen with me, and off I went to IMU right after my work.

It's always amazing how comforting it is by just being around with debaters. I didn't know many of the participants in this particular tournament. As usual, being an independent adjudicator, it is still quite lonely sometimes. But the bright side is you are more approachable and free to mingle around if you want to. So I have a bit of both sides. I spent enough time being alone to finish a story or two by Roald Dahl and half a copy of newspaper. And I met some old friends for warm catching-up. I also got to know some new friendly people, and genuinely enjoyed their company all along.

I suppose the free meal I had during my time in tournament is suffice to comfort me for forking out taxi fee to get to IMU immediately after work, and early in the morning on Sunday for their rounds. But Omar's inspiring speech during the prize giving ceremony worth more than what I've paid for to go there. There are just times we need people to look into our eyes and tell us that we need to get back our passion for persuasive speaking skill. In general, it may not necessarily be about debating. Yet living with passion for the things you hold dearly probably is the way to avoid us being alive but merely existing.

I find debaters to be a more comfortable crowd to be with, too, than those judgmental, self-justified, holier-than-thou Christians whom you meet in church every Sunday. Sometimes I even find debaters to be more understanding than fellow Christians. Of course, it is unfair to apply this to all debaters and Christians. Still, debaters listen to both sides of the story and are curious about the background of an opinion. It makes you dare to ask questions and speak boldly for something you stand for. While in the church setting, most are just too afraid to rock the boat than rebuking when necessary.

I felt the sincere concern from Shaq when he asked me about my new job in Subang. And I appreciate him going into details about his chambering experience. I appreciate Omar for spending his time explaining his non-debate-related plan for near future. I felt like that was the most meaningful 5 minutes spent listening. I do not feel the same level of warmth coming from most of my churchmates whom I meet every Sunday. However, some aunties are really nice to me. They invited me to their house for good quality time on Sunday afternoon and allowed me to hitch a ride with them to and fro church. But the young people in my cell group are not necessarily so. The conversations we had every Sunday morning during refreshment were really superficial - I need to balance between getting to know them better without sounding too busybody. Someone warned me about them being cliquey before I joined them. I dismissed the idea altogether because I didn't know them by then. But now I am facing the full blow of the reality.

You may say that it's unfair to compare the church members whom I only know for 8 months to the debating friends whom I've known for years. I tried to convince myself this way, too, that relationship takes time to build and etc. But it's hard to keep telling myself this when I realise the new African friends I made this weekend would be my choice of company over any church friends I can think of right now to just sit down and say nothing.

It's the right kind of people that I miss. Subang is still the place I dislike the most because there isn't a soul I can just sit down and watch time pass and feel really contented at the same time. I still feel like a foreigner among the people who ask you "How are you" every Sunday.

A week ago I was at the verge of consulting a psychiatry for suspected depression. I do not use the term depression lightly. I only began to consider this possibility when I realise the emotion has dragged on for months. What make it worst is the show I have to put up on every Sunday morning, in front of people who barely bother to build their side of the bridge in this relationship.