Who's this?

Maybe I took Facebook a little too seriously, out of the blue. The mood came and I went through my friend list one by one, deleting those I have not heard from for a very long time, and those I wasn't close with at the first place. Funny to find I actually keep my Nasional Service friends whom I only got to spend 3 months with, but deleted quite a number of highschool friends whom I went to the same school with for 5 years but barely spoke to. This is not the first time I carry out spring cleaning for my friend list, but i only do it once in a blue moon. Because it's a tiring job. I had to think hard who that friend was, what was their original name when we first know each other, how would she look like without those make-ups on and etc. Most of the time I could still faintly remember the person. But this time the "operation" was a lot stricter. Oh well i guess they won't miss me either.

Hold Still

Sometimes I wish I can control my heart beat. That it doesn't have to follow exactly like how physiology text books describe it to react at certain situation. Such as when he asked if I am free tomorrow night.

Butterflies

:)

I cannot NOT over-analyse things. Our last conversation was in Dec. Last week, he actually still remembers things which I have forgotten I told him.

:))

Oh my goodness stop grinning already!

Home sick

In Feb 2004 I left home for 3 months for National Service. My camp wasn't very far from home, it's still in Penang itself. Nonetheless, that was the first time I left home for more than a week. Two weeks after I ended NS, I entered matriculation in Kedah. Kedah still isn't that far from Penang. I managed to go home almost every fortnight during my first semester. Then I decided to stay back at hostel to study more often, so I cut down the frequency.

Then I had about 2 months break before entering university in July 2005. This time my campus was in the heart of KL. I couldn't go home as often as I wished. And slowly, I didn't think about going home that often anymore. Though there were times I caught myself hopping on express bus in a heartbeat and told my dad I'll be in Penang 4 hours later. 4 years of student life in KL with semester breaks filled with debate tournament, I was seldom at home for most of the days in a year.

Then I graduated, packed up and headed home, for good, I thought. Somehow KL offered me jobs that Penang didn't, I came back. Then I changed job, to a total different field. Yet it's still Klang Valley area that gives me opportunity.

In total it's been 9 years I'm staying away from home. Sometimes when I'm back at home I need to figure out where things are kept and where the switch for porch light is, etc. Oh, my family moved to a new house during my matriculation. So this new house, is still a new house to me. And me, is still a stranger in a land I spend most of my recent years living in.

Rootless, is the word I'd use to describe how I feel about this. It's tiring to stay afloat, let alone by myself. To be independent, watch out for myself, take care of myself so that parents don't have to worry about me.

For 9 years. I did it. Can I come home now?

Random

Remember the time when I was yours and all I wanted was 10,000 more ordinary days with you? Even the rain were like kisses on my skin, sometimes just teasing, sometimes passionate. The scent of red roses reminds me of the book I read with my head on your lap, and slowly dozed off. Shouldn't things be clearer as days go by? Oh why, do the questions still remain unanswered, and feelings stronger than ever, since the clock stroke 12 that night? Perhaps, just perhaps, the time when I didn't properly say goodbye to you, was the best farewell for us.

That curled up lips

I have missed two calls since I started using this new phone because I didn't hear my phone rang in my backpack. One from Szuchen another from my dad. My dad suggested me to turn on the vibration. I don't like it because vibration makes me jump, which, of course is the whole purpose of it. So I decided to look around for better ringing tones from iTune store.

I look through some recommended ones then searched under my favourite artists' names. It took me more than an hour to pick one because some were considerably not bad, and also the fact that ringtone version is more expensive than its full song. Well, iPhone being its rigid self, it doesn't allow me to choose a song from my Music collection to be a ringtone. Only those listed as Ringtone are allowed.

I looked through Taylor Swift, Colbie Caillat, Train, even ThePianoGuys. Then I came to Kris Allen. I won't call myself a big fan of his because I haven't got my hands on his latest album Thank You Camellia which was released last year.. But I know there is a song I kinda like in the album - Better With You. So I listened to the brief version and amazingly, it made me smiled.

I believe there is something about this guy that makes him different from others. Or maybe it's just me. But Kris Allen does, on other occasions make me smile effortlessly.

That's me and my fan girl moment.

Minimalist

This is how my iPhone5 home screen looks like. I know it is longer than iPhone 4S and can fit 5 rows of apps in one screen, I like to keep it to the least I can. Even with my previous handphone, I don't like my screen to be cluttered with apps all over it. I like things organised and simple. That's why I like Apple and iOS - simple and efficient, not to mention elegant, too. Yes, I don't get to personalise a lot of things with Apple product, unlike with android, which my friends find it more fun with apps to change themes and wallpapers every now and then. But to me, it's just a phone. I may not notice that I have been using the same wallpaper for years. I have been using the same background for my iPad since the first day I use it, more than a year ago.

Phone, is still to keep in touch with people. So let's keep in touch!

Chewing Words

There was a time I really enjoyed reading Jodi Picoult's books. I fell in love with the way she put the words together, and the balance view of both (or more) sides of the story. The last book of hers I read was House Rules. That was about more than a year ago.

About the same time I started to be affected by my depression (but remained in denial about it) and attention span got shorter and shorter. I started to look for books by random author. Not that I don't enjoy those random picks. I realise I only buy very thin books by random authors. Maybe I want to cut down the risk of being disappointed. But deep down I know that the fact is, I have little faith in myself to actually finish reading a book more than 120 pages. There are Jodi Picoult's book resting on my bookshelf since long ago, but I never have the courage to start with one, even though I have finished reading a (thin) book.

Recently, I started reading Sing You Home. I like to be reminded why I loved her. And still do. The familiarity with the same author, yet it doesn't bore me. The book keeps me reading, page after page. Time flies per sitting. I'm now almost reaching 200 pages, and still want to keep reading. It's either she's really good in catching my attention, or my attention span has improved.

I miss -enjoying- reading. Perhaps, I am depressed no more :)

A land of blood and tears

The last time I cried, it was when Datuk LCW apologised for not winning Olympic badminton for Malaysia. Lately I've been crying for the victims in war zones. I can't help it and I can't explain why does this war mean differently to me as compared to other wars. The conflict between Israel and Palestine aches me deeply.

Israel said it's the right to self defence, and the retaliation was justified because it was the Palestinians who started it. Palestine said oh yeah, after all the oppression, we are now pushed to the corner, and then I shot a rocket at you, you call that right to self defence? How about my right to self defence?

It ached me when a Palestinian father cried to the Lord, with the dead body of his 11-month-old baby in his arms. It ached me when I knew that throughout the past few months, Hamas had fired 12,000 rockets at Israel. Though many were intercepted and casualty was not as high as in Palestine, I don't think any country deserve rocket treatment.

I do admit, there are many things I haven't read up about this spot of bother. At the same time, arguments for both sides race each other in my head. Ultimately, I wish human can just stop fighting. Please stop fighting now, I beg you.

Many called Jesus silly when he asked His followers to turn the other cheek. It is indeed a very hard thing to do. But it's not as difficult to understand the principle behind. Even if Israel has the right to self defence, would you, turn the other cheek for Palestine? Please? Even if you have been prosecuted as Palestinians, would you leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge, I will repay,", please?

Every dead person on the street is not just a statistic read out by newsreader to me. It has the same value as mine, for my Lord chose to died for you and I, and them, too.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth,'. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." [Matthew 5:38-42]

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God' wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary, 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." [Romans 12:17-21]

Safe and sound

Talked to a few friends about what's going on with me. Went to Upstairs Cafe again, my physical comfort zone. Went for a jog in the evening after work. Called home. Drank sparkling Ribena, my all time comfort drink. Going to end my day with His words.

I am much better now :)