It's never too late to start kickboxing!

So after almost 3 years of not seriously train in kickboxing, I gave the punching bag a go at the gym. Boy, I miss those feeling! And every punch follows were harder and stronger. For a moment my mind was fully focused on thrusting the perfect punch, bam bam bam. It took my mind off things that bothers me. It's such an addictive feeling. I'm sure my techniques are rusty now. But my previous kickboxing trainings do help me to regain the moves easily. Picking up kickboxing from certified trainers is money well spent.

Text me any time

Of all the time I want to retreat from any human being and have my own space, the urge to talk to people such as finally using a phone for its original purpose of invention and call a friend up, has to emerge during the time I lost my voice due to cough and sore throat.

But just so you know, I'm still fine if we can text. "I may be busy, but you can text me any time." is something that always makes my day. It means I'm not a bother. I know everyone is busy and has their own life to carry on. But it doesn't mean they're selfish or don't care about the people around them. Because I do have my own time to reply a message or to pick up a call, and I do not like anyone asking me question such as why didn't I reply a call or a message. In fact, it is even more important to discuss issues that holds more weight at the right time - when we're not going to be interrupted, when we've had a better idea what to say, when we're in the right state of mind to say things that are graceful, not hurtful.

I need people to understand if I ever say "It's ok." when they cannot spend time with me, I mean it. I'd rather have an uninterrupted session with a person than meeting up just for the sake of a quick touch-and-go kind of catch up. Of course, there are exceptions. When time is really merciless, we''ll just have to make do with what we have. I just hope people don't underestimate my love for them.

The reason that I am happiest when I am stationed at my Emergency Room satellite lab is because I can have peace of mind when I cleared up all the work and didn't have to make small talks with other colleagues, as I'll be the only lab staff there. However, there are times when the ER nurses will suddenly walked in, and poured out their dissatisfaction about certain things at work, and left. There's no burden on me because they aren't looking for counselling. And not so much for words of comfort, either. I just need to listen, and nod with an understanding face.

I like it when people want to talk to me. So I don't have to figure out when is the suitable time to talk to them. And I don't have to worry about whether I'm being clingy or if whatever I say is too much for them to handle. And I've run out of topic for small talks, even with the people I care so much that I'd rather do small talks than not hear from them. I just hope they'll put effort in keeping the conversation going. But I guess. well, if they want to talk to me, they would. I really don't want to ask that insecure question of Why don't you ever text or call me. Of course, I do think about stuff like that. And it bothers me. But I don't want to be a bother. I myself hate answering that question, I certainly do not want to make my friends go through that.

You may think I need to get a life and then I'll stop thinking why certain people don't contact me. But what is life if friends I call friends don't keep in touch? What is getting a life but not making connection with people I care?

If you have never figured out why people with depression commit suicide, that may mean you've never had depression, not even the milder kind of depression. Because only in depression, committing suicide is the only, most logical thing to do, to end all miseries, (hopefully) once and for all. I once thought only weaklings and cowards commit suicide because they dare not face the world. But in fact, it's the other way round. One needs so much courage to kill oneself. And I am the coward now. I'm glad I am one. Because every time after I walk out from the grasp of depression, I'm relieved it is still great to be alive and life is still interesting. Only during depression I couldn't see all that, and I need to stay in touch with people who are more alive than I am, to remind me the beauty of life, and to hang on till I walk out alive, again. Hence, it's a great deal for me to keep in touch with people, to be able to text friends any time.

No I'm not thinking about killing myself right now, and this post wasn't intended to end morbidly at the first place. The original idea was to only to write out what's in the first paragraph. Well, I guess it's time to stop, and go watch a movie online.

p/s: I just watched Black Swan. It is extremely disturbing indeed. Perfect. But disturbing.

Love in a cup

After a very long time, I guess it could easily has been a year, I asked for a cup of coffe with teddy bear coffee art on it, specifically wanted Mr. Chef and Mr. Chef only to do it.

There was once I let another barista on duty to make one for me. He failed it so badly that I didn't want to take a picture of it. Of course, I was nonchalant about it and drank it anyway, making a mental note to only let Mr. Chef make my coffee art in future.

So today I finally managed to get Mr. Chef's time. I let the waitress who took my order to ask if Mr. Chef's available before I placed my order. When he came out 20 minutes later and ready at the coffee machine, waiving at me. I sprung up from my seat, couldn't hide the silly smile on my face. Mr. Chef told me he has not been making coffee for a long, long time, too, and he apologised in advance. 

"Is it on mocha or latte?"

"Hmm.. You usually ordered mocha. :) "

:) He remembers. And he made sure the bear was smiling, the way I like it.

Because coffee art is very much an art, and there is no art without love.

How do you know your restaurant is failing?

It is extremely congested in the area where your outlet is, and it usually is. You can no longer say your diner is at a location where finding parking is a nightmare because the other restaurants down the street, next street and a block away, all suffer the same fate. But, the other restaurants are packed with customers, people are waiting to be seated, while while yours are empty and quiet. Perhaps that's the reason why that part of town is happening - patrons from other towns come to these restaurants.

You also can't give the excuse that your place is newly established, hence yet to draw customers. It might be partly true. However these people are just looking for a place to hang out, if they'd rather wait for tables at a crowded cafe than not having to at yours, then there is a problem.

Another hint is, if Cher Linn doesn't like it. There are restaurants where I go in with a hungry stomach, hungry enough to eat just about anything irrationally, yet I walk out without a word. Because it's better to keep quiet than say something cruel, such as "You should fold your business." 

Don't get me wrong. I am for restaurants that want to improve themselves over time. It doesn't mean the whole world hates you just because Cher Linn is not fond about you. But my scale is pretty accurate. The restaurants that I am not impressed with, they'll barely survive. Every customer that walks in later are only prolonging the drag to the end of their business. The restaurants that I find favor in, somehow they will attract their own loyal patrons, and many more, sometimes even to my frustration that it's no longer my place to chill. But yeah, words got out and people from other towns will come to visit them.

I know a lot of hardwork has been put into establishing an eatery, and I should not pass the death sentence lightly. That's why I will not be a food critique. There's too much pressure to be truthful and gentle at the same time.

This writing is my own observation, about myself.

What do I do with all I need to say?

It is true that people may not remember what you said, but they will remember how you made them feel. Caitlin & Will - Address In The Stars



A dear aunty from church has gone home to be with the Lord on Sunday. It was not something that never crossed my mind, to be honest. In fact, it was what I feared and thought about a lot the moment I saw her first tumour marker result with my own eyes, about a year ago. I tried to be strong and optimistic and I told her it's going to be OK. We all have heard of miracles and people who battled with cancer and won. But she told me calmly that she knew what was going on and it was not really OK. And I silently cried when I heard an experienced surgeon in my hospital decided he was unable to remove any tumour from her because it's spread expansively.



But she fought on, and she fought bravely. She cut her hair way before she's going to lose them to chemotherapy. Her faith in the Lord never waver. In and out of hospital, cycles after cycles of chemotherapy. When she was about to win over cancer, when I was excited to see miracles with my own eyes, the disease relapsed, and it got much worse. It's amazing that she still never question the Lord why this happened to her, when she was only starting to enjoy being a grandmother. After losing her husband to cancer 20 years ago, she raised up her four children single-handedly. All has grown up to be God-fearing, faithful children of God.



She's a great counsellor. In fact, she was a certified one. She listened with her heart and advised with compassion and love. She passed no judgement, and she made time for troubled souls. She had great strength and faith. She lived life passionately and loves adventures. She was warm and joyful and witty and smart and humble and kind. She was inspiring and wise and caring. I didn't know her very long. But throughout the time I had with her, she was like a mother to me. It ached me deeply to see her going through all these. But I was comforted to see that she remained strong spiritually, and she never lose herself despite facing a life-challenging condition.



That day I went to visit her in the hospital. I bought a bouquet of African daisy with me. African daisy always has strong, bright colours. I think they are reserved for fighters like her. If life is a battle, she fought it beautifully. That's the first time I know the name for the flower. It will always reminds me of her.



I guess a proper closure does help to move on. I managed to see her in person about a month ago. It was a very short meeting, and an impromptu one, too. But during that visit, I have her all to myself, and listened to her talk, and she never stop smiling. I guess you know when you're with an angel. I took some time to grief about her passing, and as the church grief together, it gives me healing, too, albeit slowly.



Lord, I miss her. I can't for the day to come to meet her again.

Urgh

What's wrong with you people? Take a sunset picture but use a filter for it? I really cannot comprehend this. It's as if the colours of the sunset is not pretty enough? Huh? HUH?!

Sigh.

With all your heart

When I check out new restaurants, I not only check out the food and the ambiance, I also take note of their attitude about their business. I'm sure we all know of hawker stalls or even restaurants which serve incredible food but with arrogant manner? Some say just bear with the attitude because there is no one else that serves better (particular) food than theirs. And that also in a way, serves as a measure of how good they are - where the customers are willing to put up with them for their food. Some however, say they won't come back again simply because of their attitude. 

But these two are in the good food spectrum. How about the average outlet? The ones that doesn't have a lot of experience, new to being an entrepreneur? Those new shops in town which yet to gain its name among the neighbours? They have even more reason to show good attitude with their business - reasonably at least at the very beginning of the journey, where one is expected to be more passionated  and geared up about this new adventure of his. If you listen to and consider feedbacks, that makes customers want to come back again, to see if you've improvised anything, or perhaps for the simple reason that the boss here is friendly and warm.

Having said all these, I strongly believe that the most important attraction of your shop compared to your peers is in your attitude in running the business. Not only because the day will come where someone is better than you are, but also for your own improvement. Attitude is seen not only in the way you speak to your customer or handle criticism, but also in the dishes you placed on the table. Whether or not you put in your very best in your food, it makes a lot of difference. I'm not talking about super expensive fine dining. One can tell the difference in attitude of different mamak restaurants just from the food the serve. I come across restaurants that despite cheaper prices than those who serve similar food, the motto of the boss is to never serve food less than excellent. And guess what, I've never know of anyone whom I brought there that doesn't like that place, for any reason.

Being a person who must have my three main meals on time, I am able to, with strength from God, fast my lunch for about a month. I am pretty sure what I am talking about if I say I can live without ever eating the good food from a particular restaurant if the attitude is horrible.

I appreciate good food, nice ambiance, quality service. Most importantly, the fact that one puts his heart in when cooking for the public, who come and buy your love with money. Because when you see them come back to your shop, you know they're not just here with money this time. They want you to thrive, as much as you do.

It's nice to know someone cares.

I have to say it is scary when things change, even when it's for the better. I think for this case, especially for the better.

I've been quite independent for the last 3.5 years, at least. I did many things for the first time, by myself. Such as moving to Subang (get a new job, find a place to stay, hire a truck to move my things over, explore my new turf), getting to know new people and surviving heartbreaks, being hospitalised, going through the entire driving lesson and passing it, then buying a car and driving around, finally applying for a credit card, picking up a new language. In short, watching my own back. The word "own" spells loneliness at times, something I barely have time for when I was living in KL, the big city I love, because I was busy enjoying the prime of my life.

Recently, life here in Subang changed for the better. I grew closer to a number of people from the church. There are a number of us starting to make a point to have lunch together after every service on Sunday. We will share about our day from time to time. I revealed to them thoughts I usually keep to myself. I actually asked for favour from them. In the past the only favour I could remember asking was for a ride to and from church events. I am beginning to ask to be kept in their prayers for certain items I'd normally keep to myself. 

I'm slowly giving myself to them, allowing myself to embrace the care they show for me. It feels surreal when some would call me up to check if I've returned home safely. Some would remember my follow-up dates with the doctor, and keep me in their own daily prayers without me asking them to. Kat offered to accompany me for follow-up as my doctor discuss the biopsy result and treatment plan with me. Luke asked if I wanted to talk about it when I (have the courage to) told him I was feeling a little blue for no apparent reason, and brought me for ice-cream because of that, even though it had passed his bedtime, then asked if I felt alright afterwards. Some spent time with me to listen to me talk about *ahem* boys. Ken offered to send me home after I got discharged from hospital. Vina cooked porridge enough to feed me for 3 meals so I still get healthy meals while I'm adapting to a change in diet. Some offer to give me a lift even though I do have a car to drive around now.

I find myself loving this closeness, despite the fact I've also grown to love privacy and idea of own space. I am slowly getting use to their love, and to be loved. It's something I used to know, but I have forgotten how this is like, until I experience it again. The idea of having someone along the journey. The idea that not only God is with me always, but He also sends His angels to reinforce the point. I am capable of going places by myself. But I really don't have to insist doing everything by myself.

The scary thought is, what if one day I find myself back in square one, where I need to repeat all I managed independently? Will I be able to pick myself up and brave through the storm, alone, again? Will I miss this so badly that it hinders me from enjoying my adventure ahead? Will I still be able to have joy at times when I am alone? I know I still love spending time with myself, such as catching a sunrise while everyone's asleep, reading a book at an isolated spot, and movie date myself. But perhaps not so much to watch out for myself. It's nice to know that someone cares whether I've reached home safely. It's nice to know someone cares. 

I guess for now, I'll dive in to their love, embrace it, and not be afraid to love them back even more. It's not just for what they've done for me, but also for who they are. I caught myself missing them sometimes, when we're not together. But at the same time, remember that all this is only temporary, too. Only God is consistently, fully reliable. His promises, and His unconditional love will always be enough for me. And be prepared to lose all this at His will, knowing He'll still be with me when I have to go back to square one.

Past and present

5 years ago I posted a picture in my Facebook, and wrote a caption for it. Somehow it feels strange to read the said caption and ask: Did I really write something like this? 

I realise I have become such a boring and reserved person that I no longer make fun of myself.

If one day I'd totally forget myself, i wonder what would people tell me about myself to help me recall.

Have I been busy searching for myself that I actually lose myself?

Hold my hands or I'll shatter

After all the things I've done alone, all the heartbreaks that I have survived, I just wish I will not be alone when my doctor has to break a bad news to me in his office.

Because there are times I feel like I'm made of glass.

But I am an independent middle child.

Flu has started for a week before festive season of CNY. And period just started today. The combo gave me headache, and ache in body too. And feel exhausted. I want to just curl up in bed.

The weather is not kind either. It's very hot at night and when you finally want to dozz off, mosquitoes decide to sing to you the song of their people, right next to your ears.

I'm just too tired to do any chores either. So please don't judge me. I wonder if independence means surviving this alone. I can, can't I?

Oh, and they just had to come do fogging in my housing area this evening. I highly doubt if fogging actually works anymore. I came back to my "scented" room and saw 3 mosquitoes flying around. And that's only in my room.

Dread.

For A Leader

I'm always proud to have the chance to work in Chili's KLCC during the final year of my undergraduate degree. Not only it is a famous restaurant, I got to work with superb leaders and experience true team work there. And of course, nasty customers, too.

I learned from my immediate supervisors that great leaders are first great listeners. Whenever there is a conflict, be it between colleagues or between us and the customers, my then managers were the ones who stepped in and handled it - literally like a boss. Unlike some leaders whom I personally know, who just like to point fingers and want nothing to do with it.

My managers are not only patient, they're also equipped with motivational skills. Before we started every shift, we'll have prep talk and briefing, which play important role to keep the team spirit up and make us want to give 110% into our service.

And my trainers! Oh I must not forget how selfless my trainers were! They taught me everything I needed to know about the job. They kept no knowledge to themselves because they understood that in the end it'll only benefit everyone, including themselves, if everyone has been trained well from the beginning, to be a part of the team. They were the ones who showed me to look at the bigger picture in everything I do - if I do my job in certain ways, how will it bring convenience or inconvenience to other people along the way and so on. And most importantly, they put teamwork in their actions. I could rely on them to help me when I needed help, and I observed that everyone helped each other without being asked to, because that's the culture. Leadership - lead by examples.

It just so happened that these days as my thoughts have been about leadership and team spirit, I read an old news from Facebook that one of my favourite leader has passed away. The post was dated back in September 2013. Of course it is a shocking news to me because he wasn't very advanced in age. He passed away because of heart attack. And I knew nothing about it until now. (I have left Chilis' KLCC by early 2009.) What's more, he had been posted to an outlet around my area for a good period of time before his passing.

Things like this always make me stop and ponder about life for a while. And this time, about great leaders who made a difference.

Challenged

I only have one birthday celebration in the month of January, and I only have one cell group meeting in the same month. They both have to be on the same evening. Like, seriously? A challenge to my new year resolution has started. Wait, in fact, my resolutions clash with one another and I have to make plans either to go around it or sacrifice either one. Nooooo!!

I want to be more committed in my cell group - to not skip meetings and try my best to swap whatever shift in hospital with other people so that I can attend CG.

I ALSO want to BE THERE FOR FRIENDS during moments that are important for them, such as a birthday celebration, a farewell, a funeral, a private lunch over a cup of coffee, a sudden outbreak of emo-ness in the middle of the night. I.want.to.be.there.

>.<