Dispersed

There is a family day event organised by my company, happening in December. Colleagues were passing around the registration forms for those who are interested to sign up. So everyone has been talking about the event. A colleague asked me if I will be going. I said I'm not very keen about it.

 

"Why not? Don't you have anyone to bring to? Your parents?"

"They're back in home town."

"Siblings?"

"Not here either."

I have to admit it feels lonely to say that.

Well of course, some of them also tried to joke..

"Hey, maybe you'll meet your 'future' family there!"

You can't not love them. ;)

Buying a gift

It's 1:26am. On the day before, I became a secret santa for a colleague for our lab's Christmas activity. Due date is probably by Jan next year. I still have plenty of time to find out what he likes or what he's looking forward to get for himself. Yes, it's a he. Challenges like this keeps me awake even in a rainy night. 

If only I don't have to be obsessive about buying the perfect gift every.single.time. Shopping for a guy is the hardest. They're always cool with anything, any colours.

But it's a gift. It's suppose to make the recipient goes "Wow! How d'you know I wanted this?" or "It's wonderful! It suits me perfectly!". The surprise element. The excitement and not to be disappointed. 

Some people try not to have expectation so that they won't be disappointed when they receive a gift they don't really fancy. But I want to beat that! I want to show you that I do pay attention to you. I want to put effort to let you know you deserve to be cherished.

He's from an upper middle class family. I don't think there's anything he really needs that he can't afford. But perhaps it's something that is nice to have but he won't spend money on? Something he yet to realise he actually wants it before he know about it?

I may sound sexist if I were to say buying presents for girls is easier. Maybe because girls don't really know what they want. We like many things, especially those pretty-looking ones, be it practical or not practical. Luxurious hand cream, or an elegant lookin purse, or a blank note book that has cute cover on it, or a coffee mug with inspiring quote, or a vase, or a pair of earrings, or a complete set of brushes for basic make up use that comes in its own pouch, a recipe book for desserts (who cares if we don't actually bake cakes, the desserts look yummy in it!), a watch-it's a plus if you know her favourite colours. There are so many things one can buy for a lady. And plenty of brands for each item, too.

Oh, and flowers. recently I got to buy some flowers for some occasion. And my heart melts every time I carefully take those nicely wrapped flowers into my arms, from the florists. Personally I prefer practical gifts. And a bouquet of flowers could be the most unpractical thing one can give me. But I'd love to receive flowers once in a while..

Don't they make you smile? :)

Maybe because I'm thinking from the point of view for a girl. But what does a guy look forward to receive as a gift? Maybe, just maybe, not everyone take receiving gifts as serious as I do in getting one for them, huh?

:(

Discard After Use

What does a good listener do when she needs a good listener?

I wonder if a good listener friend is something disposable.

Colours of my life

Because you are my summer.

#random

Sing on

Heard Buy Me A Rose by Luther Vandross over the radio a few days ago, and it stuck in my head till now. 

Studio recording is just amazing, isn't it? Everytime a song by a deceased singer is played, it's as if the singer lives on. Gently and clearly, note by note, words sung into hearts, like how it was first heard, when he was still alive. 

If I were to describe the kind of RnB songs I like, Luther Vandross is the perfect example to say it all. Smooth and classy. Beautiful voice. My favourites among them are Dance With My Father (through which I got to know about this singer), I'd Rather and Buy Me A Rose.

 I happen to read this article, a little write up about his journey. Hope it inspires you to start a good week ahead :)

http://edition.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Music/07/01/vandross.obit/

A Fling

Love the ambiance of this coffee place, Coffea Coffee in SS15. I can sit here for a whole day if it's always as quiet as how it was today. But the coffee and cakes here are nothing spectacular compare to Upstairs Cafe. However, Upstairs Cafe is getting noisier now.. :( That's not how I want a hipster-jazzy cafe to feel like. Then again, Upstairs Cafe is not mine alone, even though I've had enough people telling me I probably deserve to be rewarded with a loyalty card by now.

Just feeling sentimental about the past, when the cafe and me were both newcomers in this town. Love at first sight, indeed. Fell deeply, but when I am ready to go, I won't turn back.

Sad sunset

Watching sunset with a heartache. Who am I kidding. Not even the most beautiful view cheers me up if you're not with me. It only reminds me that, it's never my turn to hold on to wonderful things. Even this sunset, it is not mine alone. And it does not even last.

Well, at least it is still longer than our short-lived friendship. This time, I'm gonna put a name to the him I write about. Jared Blatsioris.

*knock*knock*

During time like this, you shine the brightest. But I dare not walk close to you. I'm not sure if I worth your time. Because all I want is moment of silence, with you, and you alone.

Lately I feel my depression is about to rebound, and I try my best not to sink into it. But I can't guarantee it's going to work well. 

I have in mind some friends that I want to call up and say I need their company. No offence to those I didn't pick to be in my list. For some unknown reasons, I'm picky like that in situation like this. Yet, it is not really an offence to them, because at the end, I didn't call up anyone. 

I went back to my own room and that's it. And it's a vicious cycle. Friends didn't know I need help, I swallow the negativity in. And I distance myself from friends because I dare not disturb them with my poison. And they continue to have no idea what's going on. Until one day, it will be just too awkward to tell them anything, and I will resort to "I'm fine" to all the "How are you?" I wanted to receive very badly earlier on.

A friend once saw me struggling to find the right word. He said, "Just say what's on your mind. Just say it.", and looked at me encouragingly. Easy isn't it? No hinting and assuming. Save everyone's time, avoid resentment and unnecessary arguments.

But sometimes, all I want is your company. I want to sit next to you, and we don't have to say a thing. Can we do that? Will you feel comfortable to have silent moment with me and don't feel awkward about it? Platonic friendship, they call it. I think I have it. I hope it's not one sided. Because platonic friendship is the best kind of friendship one could ask for.

Call me. I want you to call me.

Piece of you

Darryl used to ask me if I like playing boardgame or I just like playing it because of them. I replied "I like to play boardgames with you guys." He said I didn't really get his question. Then I gave it a thought, and I understood what I've missed, but I didn't know what my answer to his question was. Because Darryl was one of the players in most of the boardgame rounds I played. And it has always been fun.

Then last Thursday night, my friends and I met up for a card game called Politico. It's a Malaysian politic card game. Dangerously hilarious and stereotyping is at its best in this game. And it's addictive. 

I had a really good time that night, even though I only won one round at the end. I believe my friends had a great time too. We started around 10pm at Upstairs Cafe. Then when they're closing at 11pm, we moved to the 24 hours mamak restaurant downstairs. We played till 1:30am. 

We went all out against each other, forming alliances and using carefully planned schemes to win. And of course, making fun of each other's cards.

Few days later, Yao Tsing told me he still misses the game, feels like he is hooked to it. I'm glad friends had a great time at events that I plan and organise. I'm always thankful when things turn up well and plan goes unexpectedly better than I hope.

I do miss the game. But I miss the company more. It wouldn't be this fun without the right combination of players. This time, I can tell the difference. The game is indeed fun, but playing with the right people is the key. 

I'm the type of person that will even go solo to do things that I really want to do but can't find company. But sometimes, I'd rather not do it. Because it's not about achievement. It's about sharing the moments with people that matters.

Before you came along

I used to love weekend. Be it sleeping in and slow-paced brunch and boardgames/ movies afternoon and night time reading, OR even working through my weekends once in a while. Because I do love my job like that.

Then you came along. I have to choose between you and everything I love. Good thing is, we do have similar interests. 

I've had enough advices to be patient and wait for the guy to make the first move and I can live without guys who do not take initiative and etc. Of course I can. Still, you make me go crazy. My heart has to overwork everytime I go out with you. It's not that often. Yet it's enough to remind myself that I need to workout more to withstand that kind of workload.

I should always, ALWAYS guard my heart. 

Best friend

So I was talking to a Malay who holds strongly to his Bumiputra status and superior privileges he enjoy.

"What would you feel if someone come into your house, take your belongings and food? Do you like that?"

I was about to say

"I don't know. Maybe you should ask my best friend when I do that to her."

But I guess he's not in the mood for humour. So I just said that's my house too.

Hipster

John Tee said there's a true hipster in me, because I enjoy film festivals and musicals, want to learn the driving direction to KLPac so that I can hang out more there, have attended events hosted in Artist Studio and Annex Gallery, and love cozy cafes.

Meh, being a hipster is just too mainstream.

Distance

Please remember that I am here and I care and I love you.

#random

Who's this?

Maybe I took Facebook a little too seriously, out of the blue. The mood came and I went through my friend list one by one, deleting those I have not heard from for a very long time, and those I wasn't close with at the first place. Funny to find I actually keep my Nasional Service friends whom I only got to spend 3 months with, but deleted quite a number of highschool friends whom I went to the same school with for 5 years but barely spoke to. This is not the first time I carry out spring cleaning for my friend list, but i only do it once in a blue moon. Because it's a tiring job. I had to think hard who that friend was, what was their original name when we first know each other, how would she look like without those make-ups on and etc. Most of the time I could still faintly remember the person. But this time the "operation" was a lot stricter. Oh well i guess they won't miss me either.

Hold Still

Sometimes I wish I can control my heart beat. That it doesn't have to follow exactly like how physiology text books describe it to react at certain situation. Such as when he asked if I am free tomorrow night.

Butterflies

:)

I cannot NOT over-analyse things. Our last conversation was in Dec. Last week, he actually still remembers things which I have forgotten I told him.

:))

Oh my goodness stop grinning already!

Home sick

In Feb 2004 I left home for 3 months for National Service. My camp wasn't very far from home, it's still in Penang itself. Nonetheless, that was the first time I left home for more than a week. Two weeks after I ended NS, I entered matriculation in Kedah. Kedah still isn't that far from Penang. I managed to go home almost every fortnight during my first semester. Then I decided to stay back at hostel to study more often, so I cut down the frequency.

Then I had about 2 months break before entering university in July 2005. This time my campus was in the heart of KL. I couldn't go home as often as I wished. And slowly, I didn't think about going home that often anymore. Though there were times I caught myself hopping on express bus in a heartbeat and told my dad I'll be in Penang 4 hours later. 4 years of student life in KL with semester breaks filled with debate tournament, I was seldom at home for most of the days in a year.

Then I graduated, packed up and headed home, for good, I thought. Somehow KL offered me jobs that Penang didn't, I came back. Then I changed job, to a total different field. Yet it's still Klang Valley area that gives me opportunity.

In total it's been 9 years I'm staying away from home. Sometimes when I'm back at home I need to figure out where things are kept and where the switch for porch light is, etc. Oh, my family moved to a new house during my matriculation. So this new house, is still a new house to me. And me, is still a stranger in a land I spend most of my recent years living in.

Rootless, is the word I'd use to describe how I feel about this. It's tiring to stay afloat, let alone by myself. To be independent, watch out for myself, take care of myself so that parents don't have to worry about me.

For 9 years. I did it. Can I come home now?

Random

Remember the time when I was yours and all I wanted was 10,000 more ordinary days with you? Even the rain were like kisses on my skin, sometimes just teasing, sometimes passionate. The scent of red roses reminds me of the book I read with my head on your lap, and slowly dozed off. Shouldn't things be clearer as days go by? Oh why, do the questions still remain unanswered, and feelings stronger than ever, since the clock stroke 12 that night? Perhaps, just perhaps, the time when I didn't properly say goodbye to you, was the best farewell for us.

That curled up lips

I have missed two calls since I started using this new phone because I didn't hear my phone rang in my backpack. One from Szuchen another from my dad. My dad suggested me to turn on the vibration. I don't like it because vibration makes me jump, which, of course is the whole purpose of it. So I decided to look around for better ringing tones from iTune store.

I look through some recommended ones then searched under my favourite artists' names. It took me more than an hour to pick one because some were considerably not bad, and also the fact that ringtone version is more expensive than its full song. Well, iPhone being its rigid self, it doesn't allow me to choose a song from my Music collection to be a ringtone. Only those listed as Ringtone are allowed.

I looked through Taylor Swift, Colbie Caillat, Train, even ThePianoGuys. Then I came to Kris Allen. I won't call myself a big fan of his because I haven't got my hands on his latest album Thank You Camellia which was released last year.. But I know there is a song I kinda like in the album - Better With You. So I listened to the brief version and amazingly, it made me smiled.

I believe there is something about this guy that makes him different from others. Or maybe it's just me. But Kris Allen does, on other occasions make me smile effortlessly.

That's me and my fan girl moment.