A land of blood and tears

The last time I cried, it was when Datuk LCW apologised for not winning Olympic badminton for Malaysia. Lately I've been crying for the victims in war zones. I can't help it and I can't explain why does this war mean differently to me as compared to other wars. The conflict between Israel and Palestine aches me deeply.

Israel said it's the right to self defence, and the retaliation was justified because it was the Palestinians who started it. Palestine said oh yeah, after all the oppression, we are now pushed to the corner, and then I shot a rocket at you, you call that right to self defence? How about my right to self defence?

It ached me when a Palestinian father cried to the Lord, with the dead body of his 11-month-old baby in his arms. It ached me when I knew that throughout the past few months, Hamas had fired 12,000 rockets at Israel. Though many were intercepted and casualty was not as high as in Palestine, I don't think any country deserve rocket treatment.

I do admit, there are many things I haven't read up about this spot of bother. At the same time, arguments for both sides race each other in my head. Ultimately, I wish human can just stop fighting. Please stop fighting now, I beg you.

Many called Jesus silly when he asked His followers to turn the other cheek. It is indeed a very hard thing to do. But it's not as difficult to understand the principle behind. Even if Israel has the right to self defence, would you, turn the other cheek for Palestine? Please? Even if you have been prosecuted as Palestinians, would you leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge, I will repay,", please?

Every dead person on the street is not just a statistic read out by newsreader to me. It has the same value as mine, for my Lord chose to died for you and I, and them, too.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth,'. But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." [Matthew 5:38-42]

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God' wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord. On the contrary, 'If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.' Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." [Romans 12:17-21]

Safe and sound

Talked to a few friends about what's going on with me. Went to Upstairs Cafe again, my physical comfort zone. Went for a jog in the evening after work. Called home. Drank sparkling Ribena, my all time comfort drink. Going to end my day with His words.

I am much better now :)

Hope for courage to hope

More than a month ago, I started to recover from depression. It takes time. But it's speedy enough because the doctor did find out what the biggest blockage was. As I said, I started to feel joy coming back to my life. Soon, I start to enjoy both meeting people and being alone, again. I start to pick up books again, and feel the excitement in every pages. I start to watch movies alone again, and let them blow my mind. I enjoy exploring new eating places again. I enjoy the long walks, or walks as short as crossing the road to work and don't wish that I die in an accident anymore.

I have to say despite being occupied with happenings, my mind is clear and my heart is at peace.

But not for very long. Because I think I fell in love.

All my friends asked me to chill. That I need to hold back and wait for him to make the move. And when he does, I need to know if he's only doing it because I am the most conveniently reached person at the moment or he really looks forward to hanging out with me. So I need to continue to hold on till he takes more steps towards me for I already taken enough steps towards him.

Yee Ling said this is the most beautiful and exciting phase. There are butterflies in stomach during the waitings, over-the-moon happiness when he asks me out, tonnes of head-cracking analysis done which are clearly unnecessary but just cannot help myself, nights spent staying up waiting for his message and eventually fell asleep with the lights still on..

I am still recovering from depression and I need the peaceful kind of joy. If I have a choice I really don't want all these dramas but a carefree me. I want to be able to do whatever I wish to without having him at the back of my mind all the time.

Today I watched four films picked by European Union Film Festival. Heavy stuff, I'd say. I wish I can spend the night reflecting on the films I've spent the entire day watching. But I can't. Even after these enlightening films, he is still whom I think of when I came out of the cinema. It's as if I didn't watch the films to enrich myself, but to run away from thinking about him. A failed attempt, too.

I want to stop playing this game. I want to give up :(