I have been trying to shove aside the idea of me having depression because I don't think it's that "easy" to be depressed. And I always give excuses of my sadness and emptiness. Until one day, I came to realisation that I have been feeling sad like this for quite a while already, then I figured something must have gone wrong.
I keep telling myself it's going to be over soon, and it's only a temporary phase, and I will snap out of it soon. But I guess being in a denial state will only worsen my situation. I read through my previous blog posts and I notice it's either I have lost the interest in blogging (which I used to enjoy) or I have been complaining how I am not as happy as before.
What keep me afloat are the occasional outings with friends that keep me company and cheered. But even that, no all people can cheer me up. That's why sometimes I'd rather keep myself busy with washing cups duty (even though I am not on duty) after refreshment in chuch than to engage in small talks with anyone. I should have seen this social impairment signal flagged long ago.
I am not sure if it's because I chose to let go of debate since last year. I know that I miss debate, and every little things or moments that reminds me of debate aches me. I hope it's not too late to go back to where I come from. I miss good argumens and getting updated with issues bigger than my own. Now I don't have the incentive to get them.
I feel tired easily and have lost passion in reading. Sometimes I cry a little. Quite often I wish I die in a car crash while I cross that road on the way to work in hospital. Die on the spot. Just a little pain, quick death. Even then, I wonder who will know that I am gone.
2 comments:
I can sorta relate to how you feel. I think I've only been depressed once in my life so far, a long time back ago in secondary school - and I felt most of the things that you described in the last paragraph.
But of course the situations between me back then and yours are different. I can't say what's best for you, but I think maybe try some closure to the past and moving on. I know missing debate and the people is hard, but rather than keep missing go try more new things - like your church things or kickboxing etc. Or something else that is quite social.
Last but not least maybe you should try to seek out someone to talk to, like a counselor or Befrienders.
All the best. Hugs.. :)
Hi Jun Hoe :) always with practical suggestions :) Thanks. My psychiatrist gave me some homework, such as eating healthy, working out, meet more people and do something new. Follow up is coming Thurs. This (long) weekend I try to go out more (start with going back to shopping and watching movie alone, something I used to enjoy, too) and catch up with friends. Things look improving for now. And I will put more focus in my Spanish lesson, too.
Thanks again, Jun Hoe :)
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