*knock*knock*

During time like this, you shine the brightest. But I dare not walk close to you. I'm not sure if I worth your time. Because all I want is moment of silence, with you, and you alone.

Lately I feel my depression is about to rebound, and I try my best not to sink into it. But I can't guarantee it's going to work well. 

I have in mind some friends that I want to call up and say I need their company. No offence to those I didn't pick to be in my list. For some unknown reasons, I'm picky like that in situation like this. Yet, it is not really an offence to them, because at the end, I didn't call up anyone. 

I went back to my own room and that's it. And it's a vicious cycle. Friends didn't know I need help, I swallow the negativity in. And I distance myself from friends because I dare not disturb them with my poison. And they continue to have no idea what's going on. Until one day, it will be just too awkward to tell them anything, and I will resort to "I'm fine" to all the "How are you?" I wanted to receive very badly earlier on.

A friend once saw me struggling to find the right word. He said, "Just say what's on your mind. Just say it.", and looked at me encouragingly. Easy isn't it? No hinting and assuming. Save everyone's time, avoid resentment and unnecessary arguments.

But sometimes, all I want is your company. I want to sit next to you, and we don't have to say a thing. Can we do that? Will you feel comfortable to have silent moment with me and don't feel awkward about it? Platonic friendship, they call it. I think I have it. I hope it's not one sided. Because platonic friendship is the best kind of friendship one could ask for.

Call me. I want you to call me.

Piece of you

Darryl used to ask me if I like playing boardgame or I just like playing it because of them. I replied "I like to play boardgames with you guys." He said I didn't really get his question. Then I gave it a thought, and I understood what I've missed, but I didn't know what my answer to his question was. Because Darryl was one of the players in most of the boardgame rounds I played. And it has always been fun.

Then last Thursday night, my friends and I met up for a card game called Politico. It's a Malaysian politic card game. Dangerously hilarious and stereotyping is at its best in this game. And it's addictive. 

I had a really good time that night, even though I only won one round at the end. I believe my friends had a great time too. We started around 10pm at Upstairs Cafe. Then when they're closing at 11pm, we moved to the 24 hours mamak restaurant downstairs. We played till 1:30am. 

We went all out against each other, forming alliances and using carefully planned schemes to win. And of course, making fun of each other's cards.

Few days later, Yao Tsing told me he still misses the game, feels like he is hooked to it. I'm glad friends had a great time at events that I plan and organise. I'm always thankful when things turn up well and plan goes unexpectedly better than I hope.

I do miss the game. But I miss the company more. It wouldn't be this fun without the right combination of players. This time, I can tell the difference. The game is indeed fun, but playing with the right people is the key. 

I'm the type of person that will even go solo to do things that I really want to do but can't find company. But sometimes, I'd rather not do it. Because it's not about achievement. It's about sharing the moments with people that matters.