Of all the time I want to retreat from any human being and have my own space, the urge to talk to people such as finally using a phone for its original purpose of invention and call a friend up, has to emerge during the time I lost my voice due to cough and sore throat.
But just so you know, I'm still fine if we can text. "I may be busy, but you can text me any time." is something that always makes my day. It means I'm not a bother. I know everyone is busy and has their own life to carry on. But it doesn't mean they're selfish or don't care about the people around them. Because I do have my own time to reply a message or to pick up a call, and I do not like anyone asking me question such as why didn't I reply a call or a message. In fact, it is even more important to discuss issues that holds more weight at the right time - when we're not going to be interrupted, when we've had a better idea what to say, when we're in the right state of mind to say things that are graceful, not hurtful.
I need people to understand if I ever say "It's ok." when they cannot spend time with me, I mean it. I'd rather have an uninterrupted session with a person than meeting up just for the sake of a quick touch-and-go kind of catch up. Of course, there are exceptions. When time is really merciless, we''ll just have to make do with what we have. I just hope people don't underestimate my love for them.
The reason that I am happiest when I am stationed at my Emergency Room satellite lab is because I can have peace of mind when I cleared up all the work and didn't have to make small talks with other colleagues, as I'll be the only lab staff there. However, there are times when the ER nurses will suddenly walked in, and poured out their dissatisfaction about certain things at work, and left. There's no burden on me because they aren't looking for counselling. And not so much for words of comfort, either. I just need to listen, and nod with an understanding face.
I like it when people want to talk to me. So I don't have to figure out when is the suitable time to talk to them. And I don't have to worry about whether I'm being clingy or if whatever I say is too much for them to handle. And I've run out of topic for small talks, even with the people I care so much that I'd rather do small talks than not hear from them. I just hope they'll put effort in keeping the conversation going. But I guess. well, if they want to talk to me, they would. I really don't want to ask that insecure question of Why don't you ever text or call me. Of course, I do think about stuff like that. And it bothers me. But I don't want to be a bother. I myself hate answering that question, I certainly do not want to make my friends go through that.
You may think I need to get a life and then I'll stop thinking why certain people don't contact me. But what is life if friends I call friends don't keep in touch? What is getting a life but not making connection with people I care?
If you have never figured out why people with depression commit suicide, that may mean you've never had depression, not even the milder kind of depression. Because only in depression, committing suicide is the only, most logical thing to do, to end all miseries, (hopefully) once and for all. I once thought only weaklings and cowards commit suicide because they dare not face the world. But in fact, it's the other way round. One needs so much courage to kill oneself. And I am the coward now. I'm glad I am one. Because every time after I walk out from the grasp of depression, I'm relieved it is still great to be alive and life is still interesting. Only during depression I couldn't see all that, and I need to stay in touch with people who are more alive than I am, to remind me the beauty of life, and to hang on till I walk out alive, again. Hence, it's a great deal for me to keep in touch with people, to be able to text friends any time.
No I'm not thinking about killing myself right now, and this post wasn't intended to end morbidly at the first place. The original idea was to only to write out what's in the first paragraph. Well, I guess it's time to stop, and go watch a movie online.
p/s: I just watched Black Swan. It is extremely disturbing indeed. Perfect. But disturbing.
